The Holy Cola
Red Santa is finally exposed as a fraud …
by Green Santa
ext. Gianni’s house – dusk
A stately two-storey house in the Adelaide Hills with a lengthy driveway.
An enormous blow-up Santa is flopping-and-flapping in the breeze.
In b/g is a neighbour’s clothes line.
A HOODED FIGURE is sniffing and stealing panties from the clothes line.
The hooded figure runs off with his collection of stolen lingerie, hurdles the fence, and enters the house under the watchful eye of floppy Santa.
The door SLAMS.
int. Gianni’s lab – evening
Lime-green 70s disco light saturates this modern, hi-tech lab …
CUE MUSIC. Santa Claus is Coming to Town.
“You’d better watch out! …”
This ends abruptly. And is replaced by …
INXS’ Suicide Blonde (with different lyrics but its lengthy harmonica intro).
“Don’t you know what you’re doing?
… San-ta Claus …
was the colour of his suit …”
ROLL OPENING CREDITS as …
BLACK SANTA and BLACK JESUS cross paths. They glance sideways at each other, backtrack and come face-to-face. They engage in a competitive tap-dancing competition.
SANTAS & JESUSES of various human skin-tones join in.
The SOUND of church bells and department store cash registers ringing.
At the laboratory bench …
A hoodie, lingerie, ice-cream and milk are on the bench.
An Australian/Italian with a bad haircut and thick-rimmed glasses, wearing a chemist’s coat, GIANNI VAGINI – 39 yrs, is at the bench concentrating on his laptop screen.
Gianni grabs a large test-tube, and appears to give it a vigorous and lengthy shake beneath the benchtop.
LOL. brb. Back. LOL!
The King of LOL is Lolling. LOL!
As the camera angle shifts, it is obvious that Gianni is tossing off into a large test tube.
ON THE LAPTOP SCREEN.
An adult sex site chatroom – SQUASHED PIE. Two live-cam images of two members – SCHLONG_DOCTOR (Gianni) and LOOSE SLUT 69ER. Scrolling chat text.
Loose Slut 69er is a naked weight-challenged, beauty-challenged, employment-challenged woman sitting in a pigsty of a room full of empty JB bottles and cigarette butts, holding a watermelon.
Loose Slut 69er sings woefully out-of-tune to Doc Neeson and the Angels:
LOOSE SLUT 69ER’s AUDIO
Am I ever gonna see you face again?
No way! Get fucked! Fuck off!
Gianni spanks his own arse.
LMAO! SMAO, even. Spanking my own arse off.
LOL! SOM! Smiling Out Loud. SOMLOL!
Gianni holds up the test tube with his gism in it. Off cam, he grabs a similar test-tube, adds a dollop of ice-cream, holds it up to the webcam, and adds milk to it.
Protein milkshake? LOL!
ON THE LAPTOP
LOOSE_SlUT’s audio goes silent. Her cam image goes blank.
Gianni bashes his laptop keypad.
TEXT ON THE LAPTOP
This chatroom user has blocked you.
Gianni throws the test tube across the lab. It smashes against the wall. The glass falls, and the milk drips on an effigy of Baby Jesus lying beneath a Christmas tree decorated with flashing-green electric lights. DZZT! Baby Jesus is electrocuted.
An agitated Gianni paces back-and-forth.